By A Totally Reasonable, Slightly Cold, Very Unrepaired Tenant

DISCLAIMER: This is a satirical opinion piece based on a patchwork of real-life experiences faced by tenants in the UK. Any resemblance to actual people or letting agents currently hiding from tenants is purely coincidental. No individual is named or targeted. We encourage respectful housing discourse, lawful tenant advocacy, and a working boiler.

There’s something deeply suspicious about tenants these days.
We pay rent.
We want repairs.
We even, brace yourself, communicate.

And according to some letting agents, that’s the exact profile of a domestic terrorist.

Welcome to Britain, where asking for hot water in December can land you on an MI5 watchlist, and where the phrase “I’m just following up” triggers the same response as “I’ve planted a bomb in your inbox.”

Exhibit A: The Case of the Vanishing Letting Agent

Once upon a tenancy, I had a letting agent. Let’s call them “Agent Houdini.”
They were lovely. Charming. Warm. Until… I moved in.
Then, they vanished.

Maintenance request? Silence.
Follow-up? More silence.
Actual help? Only if you count the wind whistling through the broken windows.

Naturally, I tried the radical act of following up. Politely. Then firmly. Then consistently. That’s when the spell broke and suddenly, I was the problem.

Exhibit B: Harassment by Email (also known as… a tenancy inquiry)

I didn’t send threats.
I didn’t shout.
I didn’t even use ALL CAPS.

But I did say things like:

• “Can I get an update on the damp issue?”
• “Have you had a chance to read my previous email?”
• “I believe this may fall under Section 11 of the Landlord and Tenant Act.”

Apparently, this was too much.

Cue the drama: the agent reported me. To the police. For harassment.

Yes, dear reader: I was accused of harassment for using Gmail like a citizen and not like a caveman.

If you’d like to see what harassment actually looks like under UK law (which this most certainly wasn’t), here’s a helpful link:
👉 CPS: Harassment and Stalking

Fun Fact: Knowing Your Rights is Now an Act of War

In the world of certain property professionals, knowledge is not power, it’s aggression.

If you mention your rights, you’re seen as threatening.
If you cite legislation, you’re being intimidating.
And if you say “ombudsman,” you may as well be shouting “anarchy.”

All of a sudden, you’re not a tenant, you’re a liability, a bully, and probably a cult leader with an internet connection and a dangerous subscription to Citizens Advice.

Exhibit C: The Police Came Faster Than the Plumber

In a bizarre twist of UK logic, my ceiling could collapse without anyone noticing, but mention that you’re escalating a repair request and, BOOM!,you’re a national emergency.

Letting agents might not know how to fix a sink, but they have 5G-speed dial access to local law enforcement.

I was visited. Advised. Told not to post or message again.

Not arrested, not charged, just given some “words of advice,” the legal equivalent of “we’re not angry, just disappointed.”

But it did make me wonder:
If tenants get warned for asking for their rights, who’s warning the agents for not respecting them?

Need clarity on the “Words of Advice” concept? Here’s some light reading:
👉 Police FOI on ‘Words of Advice’

Agent Drama School 101

Letting agents are not just unresponsive, they’re method actors.
The moment you assert yourself, the Oscars begin.

Suddenly, your 3-line email becomes a verbal assault.
Your polite follow-up is emotional terrorism.
Your request for repairs? Psychological warfare.

One even claimed to feel “unsafe” after receiving… a forwarded screenshot of their tenancy obligations.

How to Be a Model Tenant (According to Landlord Law)

1. Say “please” even when you’re freezing.
2. Only ask once a year. On a leap year. By handwritten letter.
3. Never remind them of the law, unless you’re asking to waive it.
4. Don’t post anything. Don’t speak. Just manifest repairs telepathically.

Empowering the Real Victims: Tenants

Here’s the truth they won’t put on the “How to Be a Landlord” leaflet:

Tenants have rights.
Tenants are allowed to speak up.
Tenants are not criminals for wanting the home they pay for to be habitable.

Final Words (Before the Wi-Fi Mysteriously Stops Working)

To every tenant out there freezing in a mouldy flat while being told they’re “too aggressive” for wanting a working toilet, you are not alone.

Let this article be your war cry, your laugh track, and your gentle reminder that you are not crazy.
They are just very, very dramatic.

And to all the Houdini agents and landlords out there?

Fix the damn boiler.

The Toolbox: 9 Ways to Fight Back Without Moving to Mars

1. Shelter England – england.shelter.org.uk — 0808 800 4444.
2. Citizens Advice Redditch & Bromsgrove – citizensadviceredditch.org.uk.
3. TSUK Letters Templates – TenantSupportUK.com
4. ACORN Community Union – acorntheunion.org.uk.
5. Generation Rent – generationrent.org.
6. Renters Reform Coalition – rentersreformcoalition.co.uk.
7. Housing Ombudsman Service – housing-ombudsman.org.uk.
8. Redditch Borough Council Housing Solutions – redditchbc.gov.uk/housing or call 01527 587 000.
9. Tenancy Deposit Schemes – depositprotection.com (DPS) • tenancydepositscheme (TDS) • mydeposits.co.uk (MyDeposits)

Tenant Support UK